Ever since you said that you want to break up and I have convinced you to stay on, there's still that sense of fear and insecurity lingering in my heart. I worry too much, but it's all for you, my dear. Never have I felt this way before.
I don't know where I got the courage to ask you to hold on. Since then, I had a lot of fear like..
What if we can't get through this?
What if you no longer feel that way for me anymore?
You told me not to worry too much... but I can't.. I love you too much to lose you. Never have I thought I could feel so deeply for someone.
And now, I need that courage to go on. I really hope we make it through. I really hope things will be just like before.
I really hope to be the last person you would ever love in this lifetime.
When it was my birthday, you made me feel like it was the only birthday I ever wanted. Now that it's yours I hope it feels just as special and equally happy to you, from me. As a lover, I would try to please you and give you what you wanted. But as a boyfriend, what I give are things that you lack, things that you need. Right now what you need is a birthday where there are people around you. Celebrating your 20th birthday all around you.
You have had roses. Also ate chocolates. Hugged a stuffed dog too. But what I gave, even though I'm not around, will make sure that on this very day you will at least smile :)
I hope you will like it. Though it cannot be kept. But someday when you think back, in your mind this thought from me will most certainly be well kept! <3
Today, when I was in the bus, I saw an old couple. And by old, I mean that they are probably in their seventies, having loads of white hair and wrinkled face. They could be heading somewhere since the man was having a luggage with him.
It then came to me that being with someone and subsequently saying yes to having a lifetime with him/her would mean growing old with this person. It means still loving that person, willing to stick to him/her regardless of what he/she has become. After all, when beauty fades away, when one becomes all wrinkley, when the energy and enthusiasm has all been sucked out due to old age, what's left is what's within.
And love helps us to see what's within when everything on the outer has faded away.
Now, who said love is blind? Maybe love has that extra pair of eyes that we just didn't know.
It has been a very difficult week for me, my hard disk crashed and I lost our memories. The adventure book that was intended for you, with all the little notes you gave me when missing :'( How I wish those 2 items would come back...
Now when you are in camp, I don't have photos of you to keep me company. When you are busy with activities, there no longer are little notes for me to paste in your adventure book. Worst of all, the little memories of our chat conversations, which i treasure most are no longer with me. T_T
If there is one thing that comforts me, it's the thought of you telling me we'll make new ones. That i'm very sure of too. But those memories mean a lot to me dear, because when you are at camp they always keep me company. The crazy pictures, of a little doggie <3
I love you doggie, more than you can imagine. Never have I felt this way before. And never will anyone make me feel love the same way again.
After all, you are the last person I'll be loving this lifetime.
As I'm typing this, there's only an hour more (in my time zone) to us being 7 months together while you are still asleep since it's 7 am for you.
It's 7 months together, my dear. Seven freaking months. It seems so little at the same time it seems so much. It felt little because I could still vividly remember our first month together. You called me a day earlier by mistake. I could still remember that grin that glowed in you when we succeeded going through one month because you proved to me one month of long distance relationship was possible.
At the same time, it seems so much as we have been through so much things together. From being tickled by fishes in fish spa to ice-skating together, we have had so much beautiful memories.
It's seven months already, dear. Having you seems to be growing in me already. My feelings towards you have changed since we got together. There was something extra incorporated in our relationship now. You have become like air to me. Having you everyday has becoming something like a habit. The morning talks have become a routine in our relationship. I'm sure you agree on this. Telling each other about our day is something I already know that will happen everyday.
It's just like air.. it's there everyday.. Just like you. You would always be there for me.
And I know, just like air, if I would one day lose you, it would hurt so much I would feel like killing myself.
That's why no matter how tired I am, I learnt that there will still be a part of me that longs to talk to you, even though I could just be too tired to talk to you. Maybe it was for a reason. Maybe it was for a million of reasons. Maybe it's just plainly because I want to hear your voice before I head to bed.
Crap, I'm crying right now. How silly of me.
Deep down, I know that I miss you more than I can ever imagine. That is why I avoid thinking about our memories, avoid looking at our photos etc. Handling the feeling of missing you while not talking is bad enough, what's more while you are not even here.
I hope all these sacrifices will prove worth it in the end.
You said I thought you how to love someone. My dear, you taught me how to love someone so deeply too.
You taught me how to be a better person. You are the big brother, the boyfriend, the best friend, the teacher etc. You are everything to me.
Thank you for your love, my darling. Happy 7 months together and more to come!